Surgery, estrogen, names and adjectives are some of the more well-known changes that go along with being trans.
The unpleasant, expensive, but satisfying process of purchasing a whole new wardrobe was something I didn’t anticipate.
I’ve often loved the flexible nature of clothing. My selection of a pair of pants is fun to convey a feeling or make an impression.
However, as my body changed and my knowledge of myself changed, I had to switch out. What was once a enjoyment pastime turned into a difficult job when I realized it was instantly like Pandora’s sock drawer when I opened my closet.
Unpicking the recent
One of the things that helped me accept my transness was really how I looked up my youth marriage to clothing.
In high school, I wore a suit for my graduation, a choice one teacher puzzlingly called “very brave”, even though languidly wearing a white hire dress to a formal dinner is much more risky.
Because they permitted pants as a summer dress for girls, I asked my parents to enroll me in that particular express school.
Even when I did wear dresses as a child, I couldn’t bear the feeling without shorts or leggings underneath.
Although everyone experiences gender nonconforming experiences, these sartorial cues helped me realize that my desire to be perceived as gender neutral wasn’t just a fabrication.
They say transition is like a second puberty, but I wasn’t expecting it to be literal. When all I could wear was Dragonball Z T-shirts, I tried to avoid looking like a 37-year-old preteen. ( Supplied: Antimony Deor )Trying to find the ideal partner
I’d experimented with clothing before. By wearing the same outfit for a time, I tried to save money and lessen the pressure of decision-making.
Although it took me a while to choose clothing for everything from work to funerals, my meetings were generally unpleasant affairs anyway.
I expected to miss my regular transition, but rather found it a pleasure not to have to do so much cleaning.
Change is a gradual approach. Although it can take years for hormones to change and save for procedure, I was eager and anxious to try out new clothing designs. Emboldened, I ventured into the strange corridors of the par buy people’s area for the first time.
But the lack of sophistication in the mainstream men’s clothing and the difficulty of finding clothing that would fit me immediately disappointed me. I left with an armful of shoddy men’s clothing after convincing myself that grey was interesting and that I didn’t appear to be a rushed Christo installation. A month later, I sheepishly return it all.
Thigh-high aspirations — asking too much of my clothing
Strangely enough, as my clothing experimentation progressed, I also felt more at ease wearing red than I ever had before because I could no longer see green as a nice, meaningless color because of its complicated gender associations.
But I even became conscious of how others perceived me and how I dressed.
I became self-conscious about appearing gay enough to be recognized as non-binary, but no gay enough that I would experience hostility.
I wanted my clothes to encourage homophobia, homophobia, and employer recognition of my non-binary status in an unappealing and competent way, my parents ‘ acceptance of my gender identity, and everyone else’s acceptance of my coolness.
This was a lot of work, so trying different outfits turned into nerve-wracking rather than enjoyable.
Even if I had the money to buy a whole new wardrobe, that wouldn’t stop people making assumptions about my body. ( Supplied: Antimony Deor )Material real
Clothing became critical as measuring tools after having top surgery and starting on testosterone; how well-known pieces of my body felt tight or looser helped me interpret these changes.
However, my current outfit, which is a treasure chest of 1970s-style blouses and pants, no longer reflected my body and my current self.
Although my body temperature and my shoulders were undergoing gentle and gradual changes, my body temperature and my faster metabolism resulted in a shift to singlets and shorts in July.
Higher hemoglobin levels also affected how red my white skin turned, changing the skin’s color scheme to suit my complexion; cooler colors now irritate me.
Finishing details
Since then, I’ve discovered a few online retailers that sell extra-small men’s clothing and a neighborhood designer who can alter my garments as my body changes.
But, having a disability and working as a consultant during a cost-of-living issue makes buying new clothes these days very expensive. The prices have increased even that, despite my neighborhood par shop’s continued sale of some incredible items.
Although theoretically still considered women’s clothing, I’m trying to sell some of my best classic pieces to raise money for a future operation. In the meantime, I’ve been able to make some outfits that have a masculine feeling.
After a few terrifying encounters with transgender people, I dress to maintain a lower page unless I’m out with buddies.
As I become more self-assured in who I am, proving my identity through my clothes decisions has devolved from my mind. I’m a lot more aware of other people’s opinions now that I’m more in control of my brain than I was at the beginning of my shift.
And I am aware that my closet is constantly evolving, just like the remainder of me.