As I drop another product on to the bathroom floor, my daughter, Sophie, fixes me with a quizzical appearance. We’re sorting through my closets, so I can own a clear-out and she can determine if there’s anything for selling online.
Sophie’s evidently perplexed by the large quantity of items being discarded.’ Actually, you want to get rid of all of these, right? She ponders a size 10 lilac-colored range from Reiss, which I purchased a few years ago, with disbelief. Vividly (for me, anyway), I wore it for my annual looks on Question Time.
I wore a royal blue Max Mara dress, which was accessorized with a golden star-shaped buckle to a family wedding, a golden button-down dress sprigged with white roses, and a few years old gown that, despite being only a few decades old, would still see me through a lot of summer parties.
Despite the fact that it was a present from my father Martin, it’s finally time to say goodbye to Diane von Furstenberg, which is a military checked DVF top dress.
Now don’t get me started on my tops. Because it’s my favorite color, I’m especially sad to see a powder blue shirt hitting the decks.
In brief, this has been a full-scale battle. Why? Put simply, my expanding existential knock not longer fits into them.
You see, despite having the same hips and waist, over the past five years, my blouse size has increased from a nice C pot to a more unpleasant E.
Somebody close to a stray switch flying into their eye could be in mortal danger by putting myself in these clothes.
Kim Kardashian might benefit from having a boomerang-style bosom, but I don’t look as good as Les Dawson, who is dressed as a woman, with a chest you could eat for dinner.
Luckily, for my own sobriety, I’m not the only one. Numerous people have remarked that as they are in their late 40s and are suddenly forced to give up their plumes of clothing in favor of bras that can double as hammocks.
One in five people who went through ovulation experienced an increase in breast size, according to a new study. Well, chest do modify with The Change.
Breast cells becomes less thick and greasy as estrogen levels decline. This is made worse by the fact that as we age, our breasts become more prone to weight gain because of the shrinking of the latent milk ducts, which are then replaced by fat.
If that’s not enough, larger existential knocks are more prone to sagging because their skin’s elasticity and collagen, which prevent sagging, quickly decrease.
Even the name of this droopiness is health. Hello, breasts technique! Obviously, a woman with big breasts properly see her nipples fall by four inches. Yes, you read that correctly. If this isn’t depressing enough, breast fat is extremely resistant to diet and exercise: once it’s there, it ain’t budging. Or at the very least it’s extremely difficult to get rid of.
All of this contributes to the explanation of why many fifty-something women start storing fat up top when they haven’t before.
As far as I’m concerned, immediately sprouting a quivering breasts at my life stage comes with major challenges. In a younger person it may well be seen as beautiful, but I simply look homely.
One great friend, who now has a more beautiful embonpoint, really struggles with the unwelcome attention it brings. ‘I’m 54 and I don’t want to find that people are looking at my boobs because they’re just so ‘out there’. It’s dreadful.’
And now that it’s summer, the situation is simply more awkward because rising temperatures require the abandonment of all those traditional camouflage sweaters and jackets.
Just the other day, I was browsing through some photos from a wonderful journey to Greece. The setting sun contrasts beautifully with the breathtaking azure sky. As I posed for the lens wearing a bright T-shirt dress for the cameras, all I could see was Carry On celebrity Hattie Jacques.
Even if I try to ignore my big existential neck I’m reminded of it by seeing, at a new marriage, an extremely bouncing friend.
My kid, who’s never the look-at-me kind, was wearing a lovely dress with ruffled skirt and flattering sculpted hands. However, from the waist upwards, the view was inextricably Himalayan. Even I couldn’t help but stare.
What will I do in this situation, then? Certainly, it’s a costly situation since good supportive bras aren’t cheap. I recently spent practically £100 at a specialized store after repeatedly asking the sales associate for anything that might keep me.
Her reaction: ‘We can give you a better condition, but dimension is size.’ Nice.
Therefore, I’ve decided that distraction and sacrifice are the only options available. I’m no considering operation. I’m not going to pass judgment on anyone, but I’m never going to.
( Plenty do, though. Techniques to reduce size now account for 40 % of all breast functions, away by more than a third in three years, according to the American Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons.
Then, there are workouts that focus on strengthening the chest and back muscles. This does, rather than decrease size, help to improve posture, provide better support for the chest, and ease any pain.
Of course, I could embrace my curves and follow the advice of fashion designer Amanda Wakeley. One top style tip: opt for scoop or V-necks, showing more of the neck and elongating your proportion. ‘Emphasise those curves, don’t hide them,’ says Amanda. ‘Most importantly, enjoy your assets with confidence!’
So I go over the pile of worn-out clothing and stuff up with it before handing it all back to my daughter for her online sale.
Time to glory in my assets? I lack courage. I choose to go for flowing tops and baggy shirts and accept the new reality of my midlife chest. I believe I can still look fashionable and well-maintained without having a tattoo on a sailor’s arm.
Let’s hope that all those eBay and Vinted buyer buyers enjoy the sale and value my once-sale items as much as they can. No booby prizes allowed.