Almost 30 years ago, I had a pregnancy. I was in Austria, living with a home as a maid for a time. For some unknown cause, my then-husband believe it would be wise to stop using birth control while we were there. I’d been out of “the supplement” for approximately 6 weeks and was regaining my sanity, thank God. It had a negative impact on me.
I’d been there for almost six weeks and was in my next week. I was n’t even sure how to engage my boss, the woman we lived with, in that conversation. She was beautiful, but had nothing but quick births, like my mother had.
Elke gave birth to 6 good children, and my mother gave birth to 9 of them. No troubles with either. That’s all I had previously known. I’d always actually imagined having a pregnancy. I’d never actually yet heard about them occurring.
My, I was younger. And my, the things we DIDN’T discuss on!
At 14 month, I lost the baby, in the middle of the night. Within a few minutes of passing the infant, I began bleeding profusely. The day before, I’d been to the dentist ( for the first time ) and had an ultrasound. “Your baby is dead,” the Austrian doctor proclaimed to me that morning.
I mean, couldn’t he have told me in German, “Ihr Baby ist gestorben” or “Wir koennen keinen Herzschlag finden.” Perhaps “Ihr Baby sind tot”. is greater in European than English…because German is my 2nd speech, not my first.
All that being said, I had very little help in that knowledge. I had a mother and family across the sea who had no idea what was happening, a director who was ignorant and excluded, and a father who was ignorant and had no idea what was happening.
I received units of blood and was in the hospital for 4 days, being monitored, crying, and eating ( the Schnitzel wasn’t all bad).
I returned back several decades later and moved in with my parents and younger sisters, who were both unaware that their stories of pregnancy and pregnancy were true. I was alone and greatly grieving.
…
Years afterwards, I divorced my father. And being the person in the marriage, I was delighted to get rid of all the clutter in the house. The bridal gown remained. But I was unable to eliminate it. One of the many causes was poisonous gasses. Satin isn’t a natural product of anything and I’d had enough toxicity for 12 lifetimes.
What do I do with this issue?
I discovered a useful, yet important loophole while searching for redemption during my most agonizing and traumatizing years of life. The Emma and Evan Foundation did take my outfit. It had make” Angel Gowns” for someone else’s lost children.
This was the reply. It was a lot of velvet. Even though it was in the early 1990s, I got married in a classic 80s outfit. I’m fairly certain that I purchased six yards of satin and lace ( which I hand-beaded ). My companion used it for her term-long style design project, which she had to work on. However, I am pleased for her.
Maybe I didn’t want to burn it because I was so grateful for her?
I don’t know. But no problem, it would go to some great usage, some wonderful use. A grieving mother’s center might just be a brush of moisturizer, like mine. It would be one of the way she could get confined during this incredibly painful period of her life.
I don’t know what that must feel like, but I bet it’s good. It might be as great as sucky gets, in the moment. But I’ll not hear.
…
For one aspect of my dreadful marriage, for one instant of profound disregard and trauma, this was atonement for me. I could receive the clothing in the mail, let go of the discomfort, and experience some comfort.
I’ve never been one to harbor resentments, and I’ve always wanted nothing more than to be happy and to be with someone who was glad ( or at least tried to get ). In the whirl of distress that marriage slapped me with regularly, this moment in time made me happy.
Please follow the link below if anyone is engaged in requesting a dress for their baby or would like to contribute an ancient bridal gown. I’m pleased to companies that can transform anything painful ( on both sides ) into something beautiful and meaningful.
Please visit this link if you want to support my writing ( and a better world because there will be one more glad woman ).